Why Rewards Miss the Mark in Guidance

Research shows this undermines intrinsic motivation and self-esteem; the very foundations of how children see themselves and make decisions. When a child’s sense of worth becomes tied to external approval, the focus shifts from “I am kind because it feels right” to “I am kind because I get something in return.”

 

Instead, Guidance helps children recognise and name their own actions and feelings. It’s about authentic acknowledgement and meaningful reflection. For example:

“You helped your friend when they were upset. That shows kindness and care.”

“You kept going, even when it was tricky. That shows persistence.”

“You shared your ideas even though you really wanted to keep them to yourself. That shows generosity.”

 

This language connects children with their inner compass and internal value system, helping them notice, own, and value their actions. Over time, it builds identity, resilience, self-trust, and better decision-making rooted in care, mindfulness, confidence, and compassion. This is why our language shapes our culture at home and in learning environments.

 

Celebrating Success Instead of Rewards

For teachers or families unsure of what to do instead: if you feel the urge to revert to outdated reward systems, try reframing it through a wellbeing lens; celebrating success.

Instead of saying “Because you’ve been good/kind, you get a reward”, focus on growth:

“We are celebrating how hard we’ve worked on showing persistence in our writing.”

“We are celebrating the way our class supported each other during group work this week.”

“We are celebrating the courage you showed by trying that new skill.”

 

This growth-focused, guidance approach emphasises values and effort, recognising genuine strengths, persistence, kindness, courage; in ways that strengthen intrinsic motivation and wellbeing. Celebrating success this way shifts the focus from control, where adults decide what a child “deserves,” to connection, where children notice how their actions feel, their positive impact on others, and learn ownership of choices.

 

It moves the emphasis from compliance to genuine growth. Children (and adults) learn to believe: “I am capable. I am valued. What I do matters.”

 

Choosing Guidance

Choosing Guidance isn’t always easy. For decades, our reference points have been reward- and punishment-based systems. It takes courage, vulnerability, and intention to step outside those patterns. Yet research and lived experience show these outdated approaches don’t serve children, families, or educators long-term.

 

By embracing Guidance, we shift from control to connection, from compliance to growth, and from short-term behaviour management to lasting wellbeing. Every moment becomes an opportunity to model respect, acknowledge effort, and nurture intrinsic motivation; laying the foundation for children and adults to thrive, feel capable, and know their own value.

 

When we know better, we can choose to do better. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about guiding with intention. Each small, mindful step toward connection over control builds lasting change, nurturing growth, trust, and wellbeing for both ourselves and the children we guide.

 

Big love,

Kerry xo