Raising Wise and Safe Choice-Makers.

"Choices are a powerful tool which allows parents to set reasonable limits for their children while, at the same time, promoting independence and healthy self-esteem." Sarah Knapp

We hear all too often in the Positive Parenting circles that choices are vital to a child's developing self-esteem and ability to be responsible and resilient. 

There is power in choice. 

Giving children some choice, some degree of influence over their own lives increases their sense of personal power and autonomy. If they have no choice, they have no ability or personal power. If they have too many choices, they can become overwhelmed and self-conscious. If they have no choice, they never learn to make choices, and longterm we want our child to be able to make wise and safe choices for themselves.

Whenever feasible, use language and speak in a way that gives your child the practise of making choices. This practice increases their decision-making ability and allows them to exercise the options you have made available to them. 

Our children are guided all day long by us; they need to begin to know that they can and do make their own choices. One day, they will go to kindy, go to school and eventually leave the family home and it's essential for when they do, so they can think and make choices independently with your support if they need it.

When we give some power back in difficult or challenging situations, it can help shift a child's emotional charge. They don't feel as powerless, and we feel more empowered to give them the option. It is an opportunity to guide your child's growing independence and allow them to make their own mistakes when it comes to choosing. 

Your child's ability to make choices begins with your decision to offer them. The more opportunity for your child to practice making the choices presented to them; the more effective they get at making them. It is through this learn as you go approach that children begin to see the natural cause and practical nature of their choices and the impact they have.

Here are some examples of how to offer choices with CHOICE TALK from my Choice Guidance Behaviour Approach Model.

"Do you prefer toast or fruit this morning for breakfast, you pick?"

"Do you want to choose to do the dishes now or after you call your friend?"

"You can have a second piece of pie now or save it until the morning."

"You can choose the red truck or the blue one."

"Would you like the blue cup or the yellow one?"

 Choice making is like anything else. It takes practice to get better. Do children make poor choices sometimes? Of course, but with practice, they improve. I liken it to building upon the 'choice-making' muscles.

"Your child's ability to make choices begins with your decision to offer them. The more opportunity for your child to practice making the choices, the more effective they get at making them." Chick Moorman – Co-founder of Parent Talk System and author of Parent Talk. 

A great way to begin giving choices is through Choice Guidance which is limited choices. Guiding opportunities for you as the parent are not committed to the outcome either way. At Kids in Harmony, we have the children choose a blue mat or a green mat. The result of the child's choice does not matter to us. What we are encouraging is your child's awareness that they have an option of which mat they choose on the day and they have to think for themselves what colour. 

Be mindful of unlimited choices. When choices are endless, children often feel overwhelmed and have difficulty deciding. "You can have any cereal on the shelf" is an example of an unlimited option. "Granola or Porridge is the decision for today" reflects a guided limited choice. The limited choice is an example of shared power in action. You have power because you control the number of options. Your child has power because he gets to pick, choose or decide from the choices you have offered. As your child ages, you can begin to practice offering unlimited decisions and see how they go with it.

Choice Talk

Choose, decide and pick 

I've chosen three powerful words from the work of Nathaniel Branden, who was pioneering in the field of self-esteem. For over seven decades, Branden focused on the critical need to understand the psychology of self-esteem and its relationship to our daily lives.

Use these Choice Talk Words to teach and encourage children that they have power over their choices and the responsibility that comes with those choices. Children with practice learn this over time.  

If you want to help your children see themselves as responsible for their behaviour, feelings and attitudes; add these three CHOICE TALK words, "choose, decide and pick," to your daily parenting talk. 

Right them on your fridge door as a reminder to notice when you see or experience your child making choices.

I noticed you decided to pick a green cup today.

· How come you picked your grumpy mood?

· What response will you choose if the problems get tougher?

· How did you decide to act when your coach pulled you out of the game?

· I noticed you chose to be friendly to the new child at playgroup today.

· I noticed you decided to be angry with your sister when she took your toy

· What made you choose to laugh when your brother fell over?

· What will you pick if you are offered the Captain of the football team or the Leader of debating team.

· I noticed you chose the blue mat today at Kids in Harmony.

· I noticed you being gentle with your brother.

· I noticed how kind you were to your friend when they hurt themselves.

These small moments taken to acknowledge your child's choice-making in action can shine the light on many behaviours you want to encourage and the inner qualities you want to nurture. It is a powerful way of cultivating mindfulness (self-awareness) and giving descriptive and growth mindset praise.

Your child is NEVER too young to start building upon their choice-making muscle. 

Start as early as you can.

Even a feeding child may show preference to feeding on one side or the other. I noticed you only chose half of your bottle. I see you decided to feed on Mummy's right-hand side today. I notice you picked your fluffy toy to chew. I noticed you enjoyed your tummy time more today. I noticed you decided not to sleep for too long today ;). I notice you chose to eat your carrots and not your peas.

Enjoy the many ways you can use CHOICE TALK in your parenting to wise and safe choice-makers. Choice Talk helps you to feel more purposeful in your parenting. Being able to speak to your child in a way you want to, and be the parent you want to be.

Yours in Harmony

Kerry