Emotion Coaching; Guiding Feelings

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” Brené Brown

It’s not easy staying connected to your child when they are screaming, frothing at the mouth, head banging, having a meltdown, sulking, pouting and the list goes on.  It can bring many of our own triggers to surface and not in the most connecting of ways.  When triggered we default to our habits.  For some of us that is nagging, yelling, screaming, dismissing, ignoring, crying, sulking, bribing, threatening and the list goes on.  It really is a no brainer that teaching emotions is a skill and not your average skill requirement.  It comes with the reflexes of a ninja and the peace of a Zen monk and that’s where ‘Connected Language’ is a saviour.  I’ve drawn from Brené Brown’s quote on connection.  When we feel seen, heard and valued! We all know it’s opposite, feeling dismissed, powerless, invisible and worthless.   Powerful beyond measure is the ability to see and hear our child in the midst of a crisis; the puzzle piece won’t fit, the Lego broke, the pizza has cheese, the play mate play fair and the dummy drops to the floor.  Connected language gives you a practice in a calm and connection; a focus.  A way to not have to be thinking on your feet, in the moment at the time with enough adrenaline through your system to kill a small rat.  Connected language helps you to stay calm and keep connection at the forefront of your experience and interaction with your child, even in the challenging times.  At first it may feel unnatural or a little contrived.  Go easy on yourself if this type of language is new or feels awkward.  With practice, you will begin to notice, how much calmer you are and how your confidence grows when you can stay calm, and keep connection while teaching and guiding your child through the terrain of their big emotions.  A nice little by-product is you begin to be more in touch with your own emotions too.  .    

Time and time again we are guided by blogs and books to notice a child’s emotions, acknowledge emotions and make space for emotions to be felt and moved through.  BUT WHY?

Why is it so important?  The more in touch and in tune a child is with their emotions, the more equipped they are to cope with the ebb and flow of life and build positive relationships of mutual love, trust and respect.  In a nutshell, the more resilient, confident and capable they become, helping them to grow into strong, capable children who know their self-worth.

One of the most profound things I’ve learned over the past 15 years of my connected parenting journey with my son, is that connection is not just about the loving times we have together.  Connection is the anchor that keeps us strong in our challenging times and is our ability to form a pathway of mutual love, trust and respect as we age together. That ‘no matter what’ we are always connected.

Connected language focuses on linking a word or feeling with an action.

Connected language helps you to take a guidance approach to teach and guide your child in learning about their emotions. 

Connected language helps you to guide and teach your child and not get hooked into judging their behaviour and hooking into our own emotional triggers. It's a blessing to be able to have words up your sleeve to use when you need them most. 

When children can link feelings with a word, they gain understanding and comprehend the connection between how they feel and the response they experience in their body, with their thoughts and actions.

They then have a powerful language bank in growing their emotional literacy to know themselves better and communicate their feelings and needs as they grow and develop. Emotion awareness for children (and adults) nurtures self-esteem!  It is a powerful tool for parents to practice, not only to gain more calm and confidence but to bring out the best in each other along the way – potential!

By using a particular word to describe an emotion, your child can link his or her feelings with that word. When children can comprehend this relationship, they have a powerful language bank to communicate feelings and needs better.

You can start as early as possible, with your baby and it's never too early or too late to begin.

When children can link feelings with a word, then they gain understanding and comprehend the connection between how they feel and the response they experience in their body, with their thoughts and actions.  They begin to realise that their emotions drive the way they think, and act.  This gives them a powerful language bank in growing upon their emotional literacy to know themselves better through self-awareness and to have the confidence and courage to communicate their feelings and needs respectfully.  Long term and with practice, we want to encourage our children to better express what they need in the playground, at Kindergarten, at home and with family.   

With connected language as you emotion coach you can teach and guide your child’s emotional awareness and nurture connection through 2 powerful phrases; “I hear you, I see you.”

I hear you requires listening. (focusing on the Feelings and not the Behaviour).

I see you requires acceptance and love. (non-judgement – choosing not to evaluate the behaviour).

These phrases nurture self-awareness, empathy, love, trust, respect, connection, togetherness and acceptance and ultimately self-esteem, self-image and self-belief! 

2 Phrases that help us all to feel seen, heard and valued.

The following are examples of connecting language and some examples of the phrases in action that you can use every day to nurture your child’s self-esteem and strengthen and deepen your relationship.

I see you - Connected Language in Action.

Use the phrase – Choose the emotion or choose the Value.

These phrases are extra powerful because you can also get to nurture virtues and values. You can interchange emotions with values, depending what you choose to encourage.  That simple.

Feelings

I see your happiness

I see your disgust

I see your anger

I see your calm

I see your nervousness

I see your frustration

I see your embarrassment

Values

I see your confidence

I see your friendliness

I see your kindness

I see your happiness

"I see your disappointment that you don't want to go home from the park."

"I see your confidence, taking your sister to see the chickens."

"I see your frustration, keep going, you are nearly there."

"I see you working hard at your assignment, do you need any feedback?"

"I see your concern for your friend, do you want to go and see if he needs help?"

 I hear you – Connected Language in Action.

 Use the Phrase – Choose the Emotion.

 I hear your frustration

I hear your annoyance

I hear your joy

I hear your excitement

I hear your fright

I hear your disappointment

I hear your devastation

I hear your tact

I hear your forgiveness

I hear your gentleness

I hear your trust

“I hear your frustration; it is annoying when we have to wait for so long for our dinner.”

“I hear your joy; it is so exciting to see Grandma come off the plane.”

“I hear you’re upset; it’s okay to cry.”

“I hear you are hungry, thank you for your patience.”

It’s not enough to expect our child to know what feelings are or to manage something they know little about. When we come from this understanding we draw on our patience, gentleness and realistic expectations and we start to see our own emotional habits and reflexes too.  None of us are perfect, none of us have immunity from emotional meltdowns, and with ‘Connected Language’ we can use it as the anchor that calms the storm.

May reading this bring you the confidence and clarity you need to guide and teach your child’s emotional awareness keeping connection at the heart of all that you do. 

Kerry Spina

Wellbeing Educator

Behaviour | Mindset | Values | Strengths

Kids in Harmony