14 Aha Parenting Lessons Lived

No need for a drum roll... most of the lessons learned the hard way and through love and fear. Both worthy teachers.  

BE MYSELF - Authenticity. Learning to accept my own imperfections and share my vulnerability with my son helped me to be the best version of myself. It’s not easy, especially when reflecting in difficult situations and challenging times. I’ve learned that if I want my son to be and get real comfortable in his own skin I need to do it myself. He needs to see what it looks like to be brave enough to share your gifts and strengths in the world in your own unique way.

NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what, I LOVE HIM THROUGH IT. I've been through some tough times as a parent. No matter what the situation is, no matter how tough, no matter how hopeless, no matter how SLEEP deprived, no matter how angry, mad, frustrated and helpless I feel as his mother that LOVE is never in question. We now play a game and he names all the things that could possibly affect my love for him and guess what my answer is every single time… NO MATTER WHAT.

NO is another word and it needs to be said. Just like PINK is a colour and not a girl’s colour. So is NO a word and NO I won't allow you to speak about your father like that. No you can't poke the pen into the power point. NO, NO and NO. The key is to use it wisely and SAVE it for when I really NEED it! I have learned that I have every right to have my own boundaries and not negotiables.  After all, I want him saying “No I won’t get in the car if you have been drinking.”  “No I won’t treat my partner like that.”

YES is one of the most liberating words EVER! Yes you can go to your friend’s house when your homework is completed. I’ve worked out that Yes can be a great motivator and I don't have to waste it. Yes is a great platform for encouraging risk taking and helping my son to move beyond his comfort zone into potentiality!

EVERYTHING CHANGES. Nothing is forever. My son was a lousy sleeper for way too many years I want to share here. Just when he would sleep a little better the next night was different. The only constant is change and I learned really quickly for my own survival not to count on the new phase being a forever. Flexibility became my friend.

HE ISN'T BROKEN! I stopped parenting my baby as if he needed to be fixed. He was not a great night sleeper and I spent far too long trying to work out why. I started to treat him like he was broken and needed fixing and it zapped every ounce of confidence I had in being able to draw on my instincts. I co-slept, not because I was a born again hippie or a well-informed parent who knew the research and benefits of co-sleeping. NONE OF THAT. I co-slept to survive! I then read all I could about the research to feel a whole lot better about it all and to feel better about myself because the outside pressure was awful. I’m happy to have done it! I also decided to relabel our son as a 'night waker' instead of a non-sleeper and take our power back.

I AM NOT HIS THERAPIST - I stopped treating my baby like I was his therapist. Our son was born with a turned in eye and came into the world early. It was the begining of my parental fear. He can't do this until he does that. He must be on his tummy for this long and do this for that long and all the alarming language that was not healthy for me and my child. While the information is fantastic and valuable for me to make my own choices, I was vulnerable to the ''What if “and I started to fear more things than I should have. I learned really quickly to notice alarming language of any kind, especially in marketing and advertising. I learned to trust myself.

FREEDOM = RESPONSIBILITY. Giving my son choices, allowing him to learn to make his own choices was one of the best lessons I have learned for myself and as a parent educator. The sooner my son could learn about the cause and effect of his choices the sooner he had personal responsibility and he is less likely to blame everyone else for his mistakes and begin to be aware of the influence he can have in his life. If I do this, that will happen. If I do that, this will happen. This one took years and years and years and layers of awareness. We are still learning it together.

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CHILD. Hear it loud and clear!! And I say it with assertion. The sooner I stopped owning my son's problems the quicker he learned how to handle his own stuff. You have a cold and don't want to swim today, you write the note to your teacher and I will sign it. You don't want to go to your friend’s party, you need to find a way to let them know without telling a lie and to be honest with your friend. You want to throw sand in your friends face, I can help you to be responsible and empathetic but it wasn't me that threw the sand. This awareness was like a pressure valve being released.

My number one mantra! “Muma's here for you.” This was the one mantra that got me up 4 - 6 times a night, almost every night for a long time. This is the mantra I have used when my son is going through a challenging time. When he shares his fears, his tears and his tantrums. You have my ears, you have my eyes, and you have my heart. I hear you, I see you, and I feel with you, YOU MATTER to ME!

YOU ONLY KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW.   I stopped beating myself up for past mistakes in my parenting and how I wished I hadn’t helicopter and bubble wrap parented my child for the first 4 years of his life.  While that was 10 years ago, it has taken a long time to wish I had known then what I know now.  I’ve done enough inner work to know that life is like that and that’s how we learn, after all, I was an amazing parent to him in the first 4 years of his life and that is exactly what all of us needed.

IT’S HARD!   Parenting is hard.  It’s hard when you put your heart and soul into it!   It’s hard when you love someone so much that you want the best for them always.  It’s hard physically, emotionally and mentally. It’s hard when you fear losing them. It’s hard not to take responsibility for him, it’s hard to say NO when I need to and YES when I need to.  It’s hard to not to want to save and fix him, it’s hard to let go and allow him the freedom to discover for himself WHO HE IS. It’s hard AND WORTH IT!

IT’S EASY! I fixated, obsessed and stressed over things that weren’t that difficult.  So he was a fussy eater.  He survived and he eats way more now than he has ever eaten.  I realised that something aren’t that hard and certainly not as hard as I make out to myself.  It really isn’t that big of a deal.  I realised that some things don’t have to be that hard.  I realised I made things way harder than what they were.  Once I let go of the parental fear and catastrophizing, it got easier.  I am lighter with this attitude and I am more fun to be around.

EMBRACE THE FIRST of everything. There are so many firsts.  The first time they smile, the first time they walk. The first fever. The first time at Kindy. The first time they wave goodbye.  The first time they go off to school.  The first time they sleep over at Grandma’s house.  The first time they go on a ride by themselves.  The first time they are on trainer wheels.  The first time they say I love you.  The first time they don’t wet the bed.  The first time they wave goodbye.  The first time they travel in a friend’s car. The first report card. The first time they stuff up their solo saxophone performance.  The first time they embarrass themselves.  The first time they lie, the first time they blame you. The first time they choose their friends over you.  Those first times are so precious and they never end.  There are so many things to celebrate and move through and to show appreciation for my son growing and developing into who he is in the world. 

So much to be grateful for, as I reflect and look back on an amazing 14 years of growing together and my life!  Our son is 18 Years old now and within the blink of an eye he is finishing senior school, another first. 

Yours in Harmony

Kerry Spina

Wellbeing Educator

Mindset |Values|Strengths|Behaviour